Don't touch the book!
"Don't touch the book!" this may be the advice some well-meaning, hapless relative or friend may offer you. The book is probably no good to you, it's just another generic piece of garbage, filled with cliches and meaningless jitter that was added just to bloat the word count. You won't find any enjoyment in it, and wouldn't you rather be social and come out for a game of volleyball instead?
Yet falser words have rarely been spoken. The creative brain is a thing with a ravenous appetite, an insatiable need to be fed and offered ever more sacrifices. Let it not be thought that we seek to understate the significance of volleyball and physical - let alone social - exercise, for those too are crucial for the brain. Neglect enough physical exercise and it'll start having problems with its digestion and develop brain-farts; neglect enough social interaction and it'll grow depressed and only offer you long-winded and ever so predictable odes to all things emo and goth. Take good care of your brain, for these both are fates you'll want to avoid.
Yet the most important responsibility of them all, the most harmful when neglected, is the intellectual. A brain lives on all things intellectual; they are its true reason of being. Do your best to satisfy its voracious diet for impulses, challenges and intriguations: for without them it will no longer be mindful of its true purpose; and a mind is a terrible thing to waste. Be diverse in what you feed it, and do not listen to it if it only wants to indulge in a limited appetite. Like a picky child, it may develop a narrow diet when it would really need a broad one. No matter how cranky it may get, you know what's for the best - force it to at least taste everything, from Klingon opera to spaghetti westerns. Some things it will like, and some things it will absolutely balk at - but that is fine, for at least it'll have tried. Do not shy away from the likes of Goatse and Tubgirl, do not hesitate to dwell into the darkest bowels of 4chan and AOL - but do support and help your brain through everything it faces, and if it runs sobbing back to you, hold it and reassure it until it feels better again. Though it's necessary for it to see what it sees, nobody could be expected to come back unscatched from their first Legolas/Gimli/Shadowfax/Treebeard slash or Lordi mpreg.
It might seem like a brain would be hard work, and it is - and just when you thought you had done everything imaginable and gave it everything it could ever want, it will drive you up from bed just when you were falling asleep. Worse than the most eager dog, it will jump around you and lick your face and tell you what to write or draw - and it won't let you rest until you have down it all. But do not despair, my friend: for this is the true reason of its being, it's raison d'etre. Through your help, it will create new worlds, people and places; through your pen, it will foster drama, tell touching tales of true love and epic struggle and affect people in ways you never even thought possible before. And you will both be richer for it.
In conclusion, though it sometimes may feel exhausting to keep a brain as a pet, the rewards are well worth it. If you do not have a brain but would like to get one, look around in places where artists and scientists gather. It is to such places that mother brains go to give birth (though you'd do well to avoid the one from Metroid). If you're feeling brave, you can go and fight your way through a zombie horde, for they eat the poor brains and can often be persuaded to part with a few. Just remember to always return a brain to its owner if it's become lost - for using another's brain is at best impolite, and once you've gotten used to having one around, brainlessness is a terrible state to be in.
The author does not know what his brain has been eating of late. He would prefer to keep it that way, if it's all right with the audience.
This work is by Kaj Sotala and is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 License.